Le Cocotier et L'Hirondelle
by BakaDot
Summary: After six years of constantly avoiding death, Harry is sent back to the time of the  Marauders. He decides, to do the one thing he's dreamed of since  childhood, simultaneously uncovering the conspiracy that has ruled his life since birth .
1. Chapter 1

**Le Cocotier et L'Hirondelle**

**Authors Note: **This is a colaboration work with Tippytoes95and myself. Hope you enjoy it!

**Warnings: **Mostly Canon and Cannon!Slash

**Rating: T**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything in the potterverse except for my own creations. Everything and anything in canon belongs to J.K Rowling.

**Summary**: After six years of constantly avoiding death, Harry is sent back to the time of the Marauders in a vague fit of anger. He decides, to do the one thing he's dreamed of since childhood, simultaneously uncovering the conspiracy that has ruled his life since birth. 

…

**Chapitre Un:**** Le Coctier Est Arriv****é**

Harry, who had had enough of this terrible life of magic, decided one day, to quit. He walked straight up to Dumbledore and said to him quite clearly, and eloquently:  
>"I'm sorry, Professor Dumbledore, but I quit. I don't particularly want to do this anymore. Thanks for the ride, it was fun having you allow me to tag along."<br>Dumbledore, who at that was quite shocked, narrowed his eyes at the dark haired boy.  
>"Harry, my dear boy, you ungrateful adolescent, I'm afraid I cannot allow you to do that." And with a swish and flick of his wand, Dumbledore banished him from his plane of existence, hopefully never to see him again.<p>

…

_Crikey, what's happening?_ Harry thought to himself, after suddenly landing on a soft tuft of grass in the middle of a peaceful meadow. He sighed, picked himself up and dusted his clothes down, lightly patting around for his wand which he promptly found in his back pocket.  
>Fixing his glasses, which he thought, quite crossly to himself, were rather irritating when in a fix, he promptly remembered all his issues that he had left behind.<br>_Voldemort_ he thought, _is going to be quite upset that I hadn't payed him in the previous few months_. But he shrugged away his worries and thought no more of it. After all, Voldemort was only a incompetent hitman who even after years of attempts on his life had yet to finish him off. His fees were far too high too, soon Harry would run out of money and would not be able to pay him.  
><em>Now<em>, he thought, _where the bloody hell am I?_ He cleared his throat, and stretched to prepare for his (hopefully) non-arduous walk to the nearest town.

…

Trotting carefully into the town, which after looking closely at it from a nearby vantage point, deduced that this town was indeed Hogsmeade. He flipped open his backpack and pulled out his trusty coconut, after all, you could never be too prepared could you? _Hmm I wonder if it's legal to marry coconuts,_ thought Harry, feeling vaguely aroused at the thought. He continued walking and soon came across the Three Broomsticks, opened the heavy door and strode gallantly inside. He ordered a hot butterbeer with the help of his trusty coconut, and thought of bears and beers, deers and dears. He also moved onto dares, something he thought was rather daring.  
>"Fair dinkum! How the devil did you manage to get here James? Didn't you have a detention with Professor McGonagall?" A loud voice exclaimed. Harry turned, facing the teen grinning at him.<br>Sirius, it appeared to be, and quite the nosy one. Harry raised an eyebrow causing Sirius to look at him in confusion.  
>"I am not this <em>James<em> of which you speak of, now begone peasant!" Harry sneered, turning back around swiftly. Sirius stared at his back, wary. Considering quietly for a moment he realised that that would most likely provoke an angry reaction and turned back to face the bewildered youth.

He cleared his throat and wiggled his eyebrows in a blatantly suggestive manner that left little to the imagination. Sirius cringed in embarrassment and wandered off to find Remus, or so Harry supposed. Making his mind up, Harry shook his head, drained his butterbeer and for once and all decided. He was going to become a janitor. 

…**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Le Cocotier et L'Hirondelle**

**Authors Note:**This is a colaboration work with Tippytoes95and myself. Hope you enjoy it! and review, please!

**Warnings:** Mostly Canon and Cannon!Slash

**Rating: T**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything in the potterverse except for my own creations. Everything and anything in canon belongs to J.K Rowling.

**Summary:** After six years of constantly avoiding death, Harry is sent back to the time of the Marauders in a vague fit of anger. He decides, to do the one thing he's dreamed of since childhood, simultaneously uncovering the conspiracy that has ruled his life since birth.

...

**Chapitre Deux: ****Le Cocotier Est Content**

"Now Mr. Rettop, I trust you have a significant understanding on how to be caretaker for the school?" Professor Dumbledore asked. Harry (currently known as Yarrh Semaj Rettop) nodded wisely.  
>"Oh yes, I have plenty of experience. At home my Aunt and Uncle were training me to be a janitor. Most of my life really. I've always wanted to be a janitor at Hogwarts." Harry here added just the right amount of sincerity to make it sound true (but of course, how could it not be true? It was an admirable goal). At that Dumbledore nodded his head and smiled happily.<br>"Well, we all have dreams don't we Mr. Rettop? And Hogwarts is just the type of place to nurture them." At that, Harry nodded his head furiously, slapping a wide, dopey grin on his face just for effect.

"What will my uniform entail? Do I need a moustache?" queried Harry, his eyes wide with innocence.  
>"Oh yes, certainly Mr Rettop. Our janitors have always had moustaches. It's simply the done thing to do, after all, they are rather handsome and make you seem less... er... dodgy, especially the blond ones," Dumbledore gazed dreamily off into the distance, visibly shaking himself he cleared his throat, "Yes, yes, especially blond ones, would you have a blond one Mr Rettop?" Dumbledore asked turning back to Harry. He stared deep within his eyes willing him to say yes. Harry nodded sagely, whilst Harry James Potter was not blond, Yarrh Semaj Rettop certainly could be.<p>

"I hope it is, you see my father was a redhead, and my dear mother a blond, It could either be ginger or blond." He explained, already quite excited at the prospect of having a blond moustache, especially since having one was a not only symbol of his status as a wizard but his position within the janitor community.

He swiftly adjusted his pants, before turning around to look at the great hall. He murmured his hair growing spell (or so Dumbledore thought, it is preferable to think that Harry can sprout hair on a whim) and turned around yet again to face the headmaster. Dumbledore smiled when noticed Harry's newly erupted blond moustache. He clapped his hands and nodded towards Harry.  
>"Shall I show you your quarters?"asked Dumbledore eyeing Harry's moustache intently.<br>"Oh, yes please headmaster," answered Harry, slender fingers stroking it wisely.

"G'day students! I'd just like to say a few words dear to my heart before we dig in. Moustache! Jugliop! Snooki! Penguwaineenie! Eggman!" Dumbledore sat down, causing the food to magically appear seemingly out of nowhere upon the tables, causing the first years to squeak in surprise before serving themselves and eating.

Harry was seated down the end of the staff table next to a rather odd fellow named Constance Fodder Gooloogaloo (backwards GFC or Global Financial Crisis), who despite all the warnings given to wizards, grew his eyebrows (when free) to just below his chin. They were neatly braided and twirled to rest on either ear, rather like Princess Leia from those muggle Star Wars movies. He complained bitterly about his parents, who had, as he proclaimed, been drunk on absinthe when they had named him, and that it was unfortunately binding due to ancient wizarding customs his parents practiced.

Acting as though he interested in what Gooloogaloo was rambling on about, he couldn't help but notice that the headmaster's eyes had been on his handsome blond moustache the entire time, prompting him to choke on his piece of food (which just so happened to be an asparagus) and causing Gooloogaloo to pause in his tale and thump him soundly on the back. Gathering himself under control he apologised, and rose elegantly to his feet (robes and moustache swishing from side to side as he stood), excused himself and wandered stiffly down the winding corridors to his quarters. Tomorrow, it seems, would either prove or disprove his theory, whether he liked it or not.

...**TBC**


End file.
